Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
