finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
