I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
