I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dick very happy bro
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
