woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
