As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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