I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
