Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
