You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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