I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
