Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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