Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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