So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
