booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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