Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
