THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
