Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize