I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
