Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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