You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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