She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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