I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
