I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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