Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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