If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
