My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
