apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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