I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
