I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
