So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
