one might say we're banned from that church
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
