the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
