you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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