Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
