she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
