dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
