I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
