Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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