My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
