Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
