I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
