You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
