Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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