the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
