Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
