I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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