At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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