ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
