Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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