Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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