I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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