He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
