i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
