i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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