Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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