What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
