Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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