I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently the secret to your success is patron
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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