It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
