I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
