so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
