Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize