she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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