Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
